Can somebody please explain what is so original or great about Lady Gaga or whatever her name is? Just been watching some chart show on C4 and she just comes across as a Madonna / Britney wannabe but only a fraction as good. Fucking load of old shit. Pride of New York my arse. The rest of the acts on weren't that good either though. The View & The Script - pure boredom. No wonder I hardly ever listen to anything new. Infact in my CD player at the moment you will find Beatles, Elvis, Cameo, Sheryl Crow, Badly Drawn Boy and an old Mudhoney CD I found while tidying up.
The Mudhoney CD took me back to my youth with the classic 'Touch me I'm Sick'. It wasn't the only blast from the past I found though. When I met my first girlfriend I was wearing a long sleeved Sugar Cubes t-shirt (can it be long sleeved if its a t-shirt) which had a picture of two sperm cells and the words 'Stick around for joy' written across the front. My girlfriend at the time later told me that it was the main reason she sent her friend over to talk to me. I went back to hers that night, she made me cheese on toast and we talked until 4am. I had never been back to a girls house before despite being 17 years old. Anyway I ended up upsetting her because she thought I didn't like her when I didn't even attempt to kiss her. The truth is I didn't know how to make a move on her. I had only had one drunken sexual experience and that was almost a year beforehand when I had lost my virginity to a girl my mate had set me up with. I am going off the subject. What I was trying to say is that when I was tidying up the other day I found that very Sugar Cubes t-shirt and all the old memories that went with it.
Today (or yesterday if you want to get picky) I called up an old mate from Gordon House to see how he was getting on. He was fine but asked me if I had heard the news about Jon? Now Jon was the elder statesman of the residents during my time at GH. He was coming up to 60 but had never been able to beat his gambling demons. He had been refered to GH from the hospital after having been found wandering the streets totally beaten and stripped of any self respect by his gambling addiction. Put simply he had broken down. Leading up to this he had been caught stealing (but not in a cool Janes Addiction type way) which he had been doing to help fund his addiction. This led to him losing his job and being given a suspended sentence. Gordon House was literally his last chance of salvation. He couldn't sink any lower now.
When I arrived at Gordon House he had already done 7 months of the 9 month program. He was looked up to and had turned his life around and would often be there to support all the other residents in their times of weakness and need. He wasn't everyones cup of tea by any means as he could be rather short and grumpy with people but he also had a soft caring side as all gambling addicts seems to have funnily enough. From being brought in off the streets he had gone from strength to strength gaining self respect and even meeting a special woman, but the closer the time came for him to leave the more distant he seemed to become despite putting on a good show in all the group meetings etc.
A week before he was due to leave he lapsed. He took out all his savings (he had had some severance money from his old job come through) which amounted to £2k and had blown it over the period of a week. It was a big shock to all the residents. Here was someone who had gone through the whole program seemingly turning his life around in the process and now right when it was time to go and make something of his new life had chucked in all his chips again. As an addict you are taught and told that lapses are all part of the recovery process and its how you react to them which is the real test. This is when you have to put in what you have learnt and go back to the start. In his case he tried to but rather like myself he found himself drawn to the bookies despite his best efforts to stay away. Since I have left GH I have managed to go from Sept 08 - Mid Oct 08 and all of Feb 09 without gambling. Thats the best I have managed. Its really hard thats all I can say.
So back to my friends original question.
"Have you heard the news about Jon?"
"Dead?" I reply.
Turns out he went missing a couple of weeks leaving behind a note that simply said "Sorry". I hope he is ok but it doesn't look good. Being a gambling addict really is a terrible sickness. Its easy to dismiss it as not being a real addiction but no one in their right mind would continue to put themselves through the shit that a gambling addict does.
Of all the people I know who have gone to GH nearly all continue to gamble in some form. Thats despite going through 6-9 months of intensive therapy.
My dilema is this. I am finding it hard to get work at the moment but have found in the last few months I can make an income playing poker. But at the very same time I hate the way it makes me feel. I blame myself and it for my relationship breakdown and loathe myself for still playing it which is often the reason why I go on tilt to lose it all - to prove I am a worthless piece of shit. I cant help but think of my ex being so dissapointed in me which bizarrely makes me want and love her all the more. But on the flip side of this I still like to play and am getting quite good at it. Its kind of a denial / justification situation I find myself in. If its bringing in a couple of hundred quid a week and means I can run my car, spend time with my children and go out for the odd beer then should I continue to beat myself up about it and run myself down to the extent I do? I guess a balance is needed, I have to find something else in life too.
I have gone on far too long but wish you all much love. This is the first meaningful post I have written in ages. Good.
JR
4 comments:
hello mate, can you remove the link to my PKRbloggger blog? i've restarted a new one called pkrblogger (spelled correctly!)
as for your dilemma, it seems poker is the only thing keeping you afloat mate, keep it going!
Stick to tournies. Once you get yourself on Stars you can start playing the 180-man Sit'n'Gos. You won't have to stay up all night then trying to fit in with the timing of Laddies' tournies, and I reckon you'll final table in more than you don't. They're so soft, and you're obviously an MTT player. gl
The word I just had to type in the verification was auntedna. I shit you not.
lol at auntedna. Thats had me cracking up.
the shocker I have re-done your link.
Joppa, good post!
If you can stick to a disciplined approach then I think you should commend yourself for this. It's hard to turn away something that is lucrative, though given your demons you really find yourself in a bind.
So, play well and right and be happy. Tilt/play cash tables/bookies etc., then beat yourself around the head.
You are who you are, just exercise self control (just he says!).
GL, C.
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